Utility Bill

“Do you have a utility bill, sir? We need one for proof of residence.”

It was a question I’d heard many times before.

“No, you see my living arrangement is temporary. I don’t have anything with my name on it.”

“Well, we need a utility bill.”

An answer I’d heard many times before.

The bank has repeatedly asked for a utility bill: to open an account, to get a credit card, to add my wife’s name to the account. The school has asked for a utility bill. Insurers, driver’s licensers, pet stores, public toilets, green grocers, window cleaners, trash collectors, fish mongers. Everyone wants a utility bill as “proof of residence.”

“Look, I don’t have a utility bill. The utilities are in my Uncle’s name. See, I have a signed letter with one of his utility bills.”

I show them the letter. They look skeptical; definitely out-of-the-box thinking.

I’ve got a mobile phone bill. See…”

“I’m sorry, we can’t accept a mobile phone bill.”

“Well, I’ve also got a passport, in fact I’ve got two passports, a Texas driver’s license, a UK learner’s permit, a birth certificate, marriage license, a letter from my employer, and the sworn testimony of ten mighty men.”

The blank look again.

“I’m sorry sir, those documents are like straw in the flames. They are worthless, utterly worthless. They prove nothing.”

I feel my blood boiling, again.

Without a utility bill with your name on it, you are a non-person over here. I suppose it is the same in the States. I’ve just never been in a position of not having one and it is a powerless position to be in.

I swear when I get my first one I will have the thing framed.

The irony is that in the U.S. it takes almost nothing to establish your identity. Turning on the electricity or the phone requires nothing but a phone call, a recitation of name and address and a deposit. No ID is required, no face to face encounter, no history of past utility payments, nothing. Anyone can turn on the electricity and claim they are anyone they want to be.

“My name is Richard ‘Tricky Dick’ Nixon and I’d like to have the power turned on at 57 Smith Street.”

“Yes sir, right away Mr. Nixon, or can I call you ‘Tricky?’”

“Mr. Nixon is fine. I am a real person.”

“Yes sir, you certainly are and we value your business.”

Uncle John used to work in a bank and was frequently on the asking end of the utility bill question. Apparently it’s as traumatic to ask for it as it is to be asked. Some people are more outspoken in their resentments.

So, if no one likes asking for it and no one likes being asked for it why do we do it? Who’s setting the utility bill policy?

I have a suspicion it’s a conspiracy created by the utility companies themselves.